Over the last couple of years I’ve seen the introduction of,
and slow increase in articles about, the idea of men not having friends; or of
men not having friendships of substance. One article in the London Telegraph
says that of the men interviewed regarding the number of friends they have, “Just
over half (51 percent) said two or fewer but one in eight overall said none.”
(Bingham, 2015). Another author opens her article with
Of
all people in America, adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends.
Moreover, the friendships they have, if they’re with other men, provide less
emotional support and involve lower levels of self-disclosure and trust than
other types of friendships. When men get together, they’re more likely to do
stuff than have a conversation. (Wade, 2013)
According to these articles, and many similar, it is the
quantity of friends which dictates quality of friendships. Why?
The Art of Manliness has produced a few podcasts on the
subject, including one that generated a reaction of “No $#1t, REALLY?!” from
me: Podcast #360: Understanding Male
Friendships. In the description, Brett says “It’s a common trope that adult
men don’t value friendship as much as their female counterparts, and that men
really don’t need or want friends like women do…” but “…that assumption is
wrong and comes from viewing friendship from a strictly female point of view”(emphasis
is mine) (Mckay, 2017).
Men’s friendships are NOT the same as women’s, and I argue
that men have had outstanding, deeply intimate friendships throughout
humanity’s history. Only recently has that become threatened, and it is western
society’s so-called inclusiveness that is causing the problem. It isn’t that
men DON’T have friends; it’s that we are actively discouraged from engaging in
intimate, platonic friendships with other men. Any deep friendship between two
men is assumed to be sexual in nature.
When I was growing up, male friendships seemed to be commonplace.
There wasn’t an issue with men hanging out, looking at a car engine, building a
barn, whatever. Men don’t often get together with the stated intent of
discussing marital problems or pressing health issues. Those things DO come up,
but not the way they do with women’s circles. Men don’t build intimacy through
talking, the way women do. Men learn to trust each other through action. Help
me build a new bedroom for my child, or work on a transmission with me; that shows me that you care about my
wellbeing. Men don’t go from zero to “I don’t feel like my wife finds me
attractive anymore” by sitting around the living room over tea. We have to
build, repair, fight, or engage in some other strong action which demonstrates
mutual regard. In platonic, masculine friendships “What they don't do is sit around as a group, the way women do, sharing
their deepest feelings.” (Zaslow, 2010)
The deep, masculine friendships men have enjoyed since the
beginning of our species seem to be disappearing. It hadn’t occurred to me that
there was a problem until I felt inundated with articles on the subject. I have
male friends. I have close male friends who I trust and with whom I would
discuss intimate subjects if necessary. If
necessary. It isn’t ALWAYS necessary to discuss EVERY intimate subject.
Since this so-called “problem” isn’t a problem for me, I wasn’t aware of it.
Now I’ve not been given much choice but to be aware, as numerous media outlets
have been reporting on it voluminously.
So, I got to thinking about it. Why would men have fewer
intimate friendships? What could the fundamental problem be? I think a Slate
article provides a small part of it with the title “Society Tells Men That
Friendship Is Girly. Men Respond by Not Having Friends.” (Waldman, 2013). Ms.
Waldman actually does get into the subject a little more, and makes a rather
telling observation when, in discussing masculine friendships in ancient Greek
stories, she says “These days, we’re so mystified by strong fraternal feeling that
we can only understand the connection between Achilles and Patroclus as gay.”
BINGO!!!
Well, not exactly, but close enough for my purposes. It
isn’t that men can’t form close friendships; it’s that we’re pushed away from
it by a supposedly progressive society that’s trying so damn hard to be
inclusive that it paints ALL male friendships as being homosexual in nature. Perhaps
straight men aren’t comfortable being labeled as feminine or gay. Is there
something wrong with that? Is it wrong to wish to not be misidentified as
something you are not?
Society PUSHES for an admission of what doesn’t exist.
Society INSISTS, rather forcefully, that a sexual relationship exists or is in
the works. As I scroll through Pinterest, I see references to Steve Rogers (Captain
America) and Bucky Barnes (The Winter Soldier) being a closeted gay couple,
secretly longing for each other. author goes so far as to say “If Disney isn’t
inclined to give audiences a gay superhero, couldn’t they have at least left us
the dream of Bucky and Cap?” (Robinson, 2016).
The lack of a homosexual affair between Captain America and
Bucky is viewed as a FLAW in the movie. A Flaw?! Why is an intimate, platonic
friendship between men so difficult to conceive of? Why is it necessary to
rewrite Sherlock Holmes such that the title character and his companion, John
Holmes, now exhibit sexual tension between them? It isn’t that I find
homosexual characters distasteful; I’m exceptionally fond of Captain Jack
Harkness, among others. My dislike is of the sexualization of platonic masculine
friendships and the subsequent shaming of men into friendlessness.
Additionally, it seems that, in a rush to legitimize
homosexual relationships, there has been a misapplication of standards such
that we can’t just say “homosexuals are ok”. Instead we have to say “any man
who experiences any form of deep relationship with another man must be gay.”
This gives the appearance of accepting of homosexuality, but only
oversimplifies the matter and ends up delegitimizing heterosexual friendships.
“We are close friends. Have been for years”
“We get it” (sly wink), “you do know that it’s ok to be
openly gay now, don’t you?”
“What? No, we are friends. We’ve been through a lot
together”
“Oh, you poor thing. You must be caught-up in the archaic
idea that homosexuality is wrong, so you don’t admit it. How horrible for you,
repressing your feelings like that.”
Of course straight
men end up without deep friendships with other men when society assumes a sexual
component that is not present. Words like “bromance” act to sexualize
friendships. Why did this become necessary? Is this an indication of western
culture being so obsessed with sexuality that it has become necessary to assume
sexuality in everything? For example: I sat at dinner with a male friend a few
nights ago. We discussed work, his daughter’s health issues, how lovely the
waitress was, how great his marriage is, and (sorry, but I’m not sorry) there
is no romantic or sexual facet to it. We worked together for years, stay in occasional
contact, and that’s more than enough. Well, it’s more than enough for US.
Apparently contemporary society disagrees. We built trust through action, in
the way typical of hetero cis-males, and it serves us well. Modern western
culture, however, contends that masculine friendships MUST be sexual in nature
if there is any depth to them.
I did find it amusing that the waitress left two forks with
the cheesecake. I didn’t say “WE would like to try the cheesecake”, I said “I’d
like to try the cheesecake”. She didn’t make an overt assumption, but she
subtly left a second fork out of consideration for the possibility. I
appreciate the gesture; it was sweet, if unnecessary. It’s unlikely I’d share
my dessert with a woman, even in a romantic relationship, let alone another
man. It’s MY damn cheesecake! And yes, it was really good.
In an Orlando Sentinal article, the claim is made that “…men's
friendships often lack the depth of women's relationships…” (Mckeough, 2004).
Really? My friendships with other men lack the depth of women’s relationships?
I’ll strongly disagree, but it’s not like I’m any kind of expert on the subject
of heterosexual male friendships. Oh, wait…
Going back to Brett McKay, perhaps the idea of intimate,
platonic, heterosexual friendships being shallow and unfulfilling “… is wrong
and comes from viewing friendship from a strictly female point of view” (McKay,
2017). When judging the depth and intimacy of masculine friendships “If we use
a women's paradigm for friendship, we're making a mistake," (Zaslow,
2010). In one study “A third of the men
in (the study) said they learned positive things from female friendships, but
25% had a negative impression of women as friends, citing issues such as
"cattiness" and "too much drama." And women are more likely
than men to hold grudges toward friends” (Zaslow, 2010). THIS is what we’re
supposed to hold up as the epitome of intimate friendship? Not building a barn
together, repairing a car together, or fighting side-by-side, earning trust and
respect, but rather we’re supposed to judge the depth of our friendships on a
model of sitting around being catty, dramatic, and holding grudges? Ummm, count
me out.
For all the modern generation’s claims of being more “accepting”,
“progressive”, and “open”, they’ve actually gone so far over-the-line that
they’re causing more problems than they solved. The normal, juvenile, attitude
of “my generation is better than the previous ones because (insert childish
misconception here)”, has led to an assumption that previous generations of men
weren’t capable of intimate friendships. The media has contributed to this with
Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, and the plethora of brainless male caricatures.
Whenever a male character has come close to self-actualization, they are
smacked-down by exaggerations of what modern society believes were historical
gender roles and rules of masculinity. Because movies don’t portray John Wayne
as having had friendships similar to what feminist values consider to be
intimate friendship, then it must not have happened. Heteronormative cultural values must have
prevented men from achieving the deep friendships that women are encouraged to
have, right?
What if this retconning (1) of our historical figures to be
closeted homosexuals, and historical gender narratives such that men are
supposed to have had trouble with intimate friendships, is recent, not
pervasive? What if this is, as I believe, a by-product of western culture’s
inability to view any complex subject on a spectrum of possibilities, but
rather as necessitating over-simplification into a binary solution set?
What do I mean by that last (run-on) sentence? In this
specific context, that men have traditionally had intimate friendships with
other men, with no sexual component, but that contemporary western society has
decided that heterosexual men are incapable of that because it’s easier to
over-simplify any issue in order to reach quick, self-gratifying solutions, so
they must have been gay. Again, I really don’t care if gay men are gay. My
issue is that straight men aren’t, and there’s no reason to assume they are.
There are still some undercurrents of distrust of gays in some aspects of
straight society (it’s unfortunate, true, and contributes to the problem), and
so young boys are taught that emotional intimacy is wrong if they are straight,
or that they must be gay if they have intimate friendships with other boys.
Homosexual men are permitted to be emotionally open with their friends, but
straight men aren’t. In response to this acceptance of homosexuality, and the
related, unnecessary demonization of heterosexual men having non-sexual
intimate friendships, men have decided to just eschew having deep friendships.
It’s easier than being assumed to be gay.
Uhh, Rick? What’s wrong with someone assuming that a guy is
gay? Are you saying that it’s inherently bad to be gay?
NO!!! The problem is that the straight man is now TREATED as
though he is gay. Now he has trouble finding romantic female companionship. He
has trouble being emotionally open with straight men because they assume he is
gay. He is now going to be SATURATED with offers from gay men (just as women
don’t like being incessantly flirted with by straight men for whom they have no
interest, so do straight men get tired of constant flirting by gay men). In order to find the resources necessary to
meet heterosexual romantic needs, the man finds himself avoiding deep
friendships with other men, which just neglects other needs. Borrowing from
Peter to pay Paul, as it were.
So, because men’s friendships aren’t the same as women’s,
and contemporary society has decided that men have historically been subjected
to gender norms that prevented them from experiencing emotional intimacy
(again, because it didn’t manifest in a feminine manner as currently recognized),
then any intimate friendship between men MUST be sexual in nature. Am I far off
with that? Again, "If we use a women's paradigm for friendship, we're
making a mistake" (Zaslow, 2010).
I end up being even more appreciative of my male friends.
I’m blessed with a group of friends who have a very liberal (in the classical
sense) education, whether formal or informal. We were taught that men DO have
intimate, platonic friendships, and that those friendships are not going to
manifest the way women’s do, and that’s the right way of things. Even my
(admittedly few) friendships with gay men have not manifested in a feminine
manner. Wow, whoda thunk! Even more shocking to the current generation would be
that a heterosexual cis-male is even capable of having a platonic friendship
with a homosexual man. That likely seems...
I’m also immensely appreciative of my female friends who
don’t fit the modern mold. Women who allow men to be men, while still challenging
them to improve themselves. Women who are independently strong and capable,
having lifted themselves up rather than tearing anyone else down. I’ve only
been directly criticized for my masculinity by one woman, and she ended up
revealing a hatred for men in general. I did not allow that interaction to
continue.
Another…challenge(?) that EVERYBODY encounters, irregardless
(I did that on purpose) of gender, sexual orientation, political viewpoint,
favorite food, etc, ad nauseum, is the expectation many people hold of their
romantic partner being their best friend, dedicated to spending all of their
time and energy on their partner at all times, no matter what. Western culture
has generated the gender-neutral trope of the romantic partner having to be
one’s best friend, and anything else is seen as indicative of a poor-quality
relationship. This is seen as being part of, or adding to and reinforcing, our
feeling of being “in love”, but may not be realistic in every case. While
having a strong bond with one’s romantic partner is certainly a wonderful
experience, and provides an amazing sense of security, focusing solely on that
relationship to the exclusion of all others is not for everyone. Nor should it
be.
For many people, the security found in a healthy, long-term
relationship provides the ability to “…be an individual again and
self-actualize.” (Feiler, 2017). Calling this a friendship is “an
underwhelming representation of what’s going on,” he said. “What people basically mean is, ‘I’m in a
secure relationship. Being close to my partner is very rewarding. I trust them.
They’re there for me in such a profound way that it allows me to have courage
to create, to explore, to imagine.’” (Feiler, 2017). This is an amazing
situation to be in. Unfortunately it isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. We tend
to not worry about what a best friend does, to a large extent, when it doesn’t
affect us directly. Everything our romantic partner does affects us directly! “Maybe…best friend and romantic partner are
two different roles — to be filled by two different people. There are things
you’d tell your best friend that shouldn’t be shared with your lover. Some
times when you need an outside perspective that a boyfriend or girlfriend just
can’t provide” (Dunn, 2012).
Certainly, some couples are best friends and concentrate on
each other. Men tend to have fewer friends than women, and so tend to list
their spouses as being their best friends more often than women do, but not
100% of the time (Feiler, 2017). This being said, there are many couples who
have amazing relationships, are phenomenally encouraging and supportive of each
other, bring out the best in each other, and aren’t each other’s BFFs. They are
really good friends. Perhaps they are on par with each other’s BFFs, but the
relationship is different, and rightfully so.
But that isn’t what we’re told we’re supposed to be.
Entertainment media is full of the stories of women convincing men to drop
every other interest in their life and focus on her. Success is taming the
monster. He’s now yours, fully and entirely. Once she has his undivided
attention forever and beyond, she will feel secure, right? He is supposed to be
satisfied with her and not have need of anyone else in his life. That’s what
we’re told we’re supposed to do, so it must be right, right?
In that situation, the man is expected to have a few distant
friends, but nobody close. Anyone close will be a threat to the relationship.
Even family is pushed aside in favor of the romantic partner. Codependency NE1?
Of course men in this situation don’t have close friends; they aren’t allowed
to.
While this specific situation is far from the norm, it is
sufficiently common, especially in younger couples who lack the maturity to
recognize the unhealthy nature of it, as to be a problem.
Now let’s add a third factor: Men are just overgrown
children.
WHAT THE F@(k, Rick?
No, that’s not what I believe, but isn’t that the image
we’re saturated with? One article in Cosmopolitan is titled “24 Ways Men Are
Just Like Babies” (Smothers, 2016). The article, which has the standard list of
“all men are childish, and here’s my proof”, repeatedly bashes men with a list
of sometimes-true, sometimes-not characteristics that she has observed in some
way or other. Some of the items seem to apply to both genders, but that won’t
be admitted. Some make perfect sense when looked at from the perspective of
someone who doesn’t hate men (straight men find women attractive? How
horrible!). Another article lists “12 Ways Men Are Much More Immature Than
Women” (Sweeney, 2014). This author has decided that all men exhibit the list
of juvenile characteristics, such as “Personal Hygiene isn’t as high on the
list of priorities” and “We are much less emotionally aware” (Sweeney, 2014).
Wow, thanks pal. I really appreciate the vote of confidence. Did you survey
anyone past college-age? As it happens, I strongly dislike being unbathed, and
I admit to having cried watching Blackhawk Down and the original Red Dawn.
Hell, I’ve come close to crying while watching the Doctor Who Christmas
Special. I’m not “emotionally aware”?
What grown man doesn’t at least come close to crying at this
scene, if not outright bawls his eyes out!
In my observation, utterly unscientific, males have been
ENCOURAGED to be less mature over the most recent generation or two. Rather
than women setting a higher standard and expecting men to rise up to meet it,
western feminism has said that women are permitted to behave similarly to
childish males, leaving men no reason to improve themselves through overall
maturity? Any time a man was so churlish as to exhibit emotional awareness, he
was labeled as homosexual regardless of the truth. While that’s certainly
acceptable to a man who IS gay, it’s rather inconvenient for one who isn’t.
I wish I could find the material again; it’s annoying as
heck when I can’t verify something with references, but: I recall an article
about research done into how men and women view each other. The results claimed
that men simply see women as different. Not better or worse, just different.
Difficult to understand on occasion, but that’s all. By contrast, women are
alleged to see men as being broken women who have to be “fixed”. According to
the researchers, women unconsciously want men to behave like women (I gotta
say, from our perspective, that’s really weird). So when men try to foster
masculine friendships the way we’re comfortable with, it’s wrong and we’re
criticized for it. Rather than accepting that men tend, in general, to be
somewhat stoic in emotional expression, more action-oriented rather than
conversation-oriented, and build interpersonal relations with other men by
working together on mutually-beneficial projects, we are told that we should
eschew that and sit around the living room talking about our emotions. It works
for women, so why wouldn’t it work for men? Perhaps because we AREN’T women?!
This certainly doesn’t apply to ALL women, and I don’t even
know if that research was validated with repeated testing, but it struck a
nerve. It seemed to explain many feminine behaviors I’ve observed. I recognize
that something simply “seeming” applicable and correct doesn’t MAKE it
applicable and correct, but it’s a starting point for further inquiry.
How does this affect male friendships? We are criticized for
them. We are treated as though we are incapable of having deep friendships.
Women need Girls Night Out, but men are too childish to be trusted to the
masculine equivalent, so should be criticized for it. Girls Night Out is where
women blow-off some steam, but the masculine equivalent is assumed to be more
childish, and may lead to infidelity. Obviously it means he’ll be out drinking
and trying to pick-up a side-chick, right? The last time I went to dinner with
a male friend, we discussed work, how great his marriage is turning out, and
his daughter’s health issues. He had a glass of wine with dinner, I had a
ginger ale. We left when the music got too loud. Childish? Seems quite the
opposite to me, but I’m sure contemporary western society will disagree, or say
that I’m lying, or that there’s some other, mitigating factor. I say that this
IS the norm for men. Even in my teens this was the norm among my friends.
Where did the social change happen? When did the past that I
remember get retconned into “men are too stoic to have deep friendships” and
“men are too childish to be capable of platonic, emotional intimacy with other
men”?
Maybe there IS a crisis of male friendships. I don’t
experience it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I, though, believe that the
crisis is in a changed narrative regarding gender norms. If a friendship
doesn’t manifest in a feminine manner, it isn’t substantial. Instead of men
doing things their way and women doing things theirs, and we balance each other
out in the larger picture, men are being judged against feminine values. When
faced with being told that everything we do is wrong because it isn’t how women
do it, what are our options? When young boys are indoctrinated into a world
that tells them they are supposed to either be feminine, or behave like
alcoholic junior high sportsball players their entire lives, there are no other
options, what do we expect is going to happen? “You aren’t able to” and “your
way is wrong”. Of course men are going to lack friends. What choice do they
have?!
In case it wasn’t immediately obvious, this subject
irritates the hell out of me. Judging masculine friendships as insubstantial,
shallow, and unsatisfying simply because we don’t engage the way women do is
horribly unfair, and just pushes men further away from active participation in
mainstream society. Ladies, don’t disregard the importance of what a man does
simply because it doesn’t mimic you. Allow for men to be men. Not children, not
boys, but men. Don’t assume that our way is wrong simply because it isn’t your
way. Expect us to be Men, and don’t lower yourself to childish behaviors in
order to attract modern boys. Set the higher standard, and a Man will find you.
While you are with him, allow him to be a Man. His friendships won’t be like
yours, and that’s ok, they are still legitimate. Don’t delegitimize his views
simply because they don’t seem valid from a feminine perspective. Don’t demand
that he behave like a woman; he ISN’T a woman. If you have sons, encourage
friendships with other boys and recognize that they aren’t going to be like
those of your daughters. Don’t sexualize their friendships (it really is
creepy. Why do you do that? What is with the sex-obsession and subsequent
denial thereof?), but recognize them as legitimate. Look to classical examples
of masculine maturity and encourage them. Unless, that is, you are going to be
satisfied with producing a modern boy who is confused about who he should be
because he is encouraged to behave like a girl, but this conflicts with his
natural traits and tendencies. In which case, feel free to contribute to the
problem.
What if society simply expected heterosexual men to be…Men?
(1) Retcon: “to revise (an aspect of a fictional work)
retrospectively, typically by introducing a piece of new information that
imposes a different interpretation on previously described events.” (Oxford,
2017)
References
Bingham, John. (2015, November 14). 2.5 million men 'have no
close friends' Stark new research shows chances of friendlessness trebles
by late middle age. The Telegraph.
Retrieved from
Dunn, Gaby. (2012, December 19).
Should Your Partner Be Your Best Friend?. Thought Catalog.
best-friend/
Feiler, Bruce. (2017, October 12).
The New York Times. Retrieved from
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/12/style/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend.html
McKay, Brett. (2017, November 30). Podcast #360:
Understanding Male Friendships. The Art
of
Manliness.
Retrieved from https://www.artofmanliness.com/2017/11/30/understanding-male-
friendships/
Mckeough, Kevin. (2004, November 26). Gender Roles Form
Rules Of Friendship
Typical Differences Between Men And
Women Dictate How They Will Bond With Others. The Orlando Sentinel. Retrieved from http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2004-11-26/news/0411250049_1_men-friendships-friendships-between-men-honold
Oxford. (2017). Retcon. Retrieved from https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/retcon
Robinson, Joanna. (2016, May 8). Is This the One Flaw in the
Otherwise Great Captain America: Civil War? Vanity Fair. Retrieved from https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2016/05/captainamerica-civil-war-steve-rogers-sharon -carter-bucky-barnes
Smothers, Hannah. (2016, April 13). 24 Ways Men Are Just
Like Babies. Cosmopilitan. Retrieved from http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a56813/ways-every-man-is-a-baby/
Sweeney, David. (2014, August 13)). 12 Ways Men Are Much
More Immature Than Women. College
Times.
Retrieved from https://www.collegetimes.com/life/ways-men-much-immature-
women-92432
Wade, Lisa. (2013, December 7). American men’s hidden
crisis: They need more friends! Salon Media Group.
Retrieved from https://www.salon.com/2013/12/08/american_mens_hidden_
crisis_they_need_more_friends/
Waldman, Katy. (2013, December 9). Society Tells Men That
Friendship Is Girly. Men Respond by Not Having Friends. The Slate Group. Retrieved from
nds_gender_norms_are_to_blame.html
Zaslow, Jeffrey. (2010, April 7). Friendship for Guys (No
Tears!). Wall Street Journal.
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