Acceptant, Sublime Silence as a
protestant (lower case) Stance for Peace (of mind)
Much has
been going around men’s rights forums about how and why men don’t talk about
their feelings, their problems, much at all with anyone. “Man-on-the-street” inquiries of who an
individual man turns to when they need to vent elicit responses of “Nobody”,
“Nobody will listen; I’m a man”, and multiple variations of this. Not long ago, the term “Toxic Masculinity”
was coined by post-modern Feminists, the “Woke” crowd, as nomenclature covering
their perceptions of “Traditional Masculinity” and its downfalls. Their claims are that “Traditional” masculine
society forbids men from sharing feelings, communicating mental or emotional
issues, that Stoicism teaches men to suppress feelings and show only a strong
façade.
And
they’re wrong. Horribly, dangerously wrong.
Men
communicate just fine, WITH OTHER MEN.
That we don’t communicate well with women has been taken to mean that we
don’t communicate well Period!
When we have an issue, we normally have a close male friend or two with
whom we feel somewhat comfortable venting and trying to discern answers to
problems.
There are
two issues here. The first is that, in general, with exceptions, the feminine
aspect of society appears to prefer quantity of friendship over quality. At least that’s how it appears to most
Men. Perhaps the perception is that
quantity IS quality, which I believe many of the masculine personality
persuasion would disagree with. We (in
general, for the most part, with exceptions) have smaller Friend circles.
Perhaps large groups of acquaintances, but a smaller number we refer to as
actual Friends. Those fewer Friends are
often closer to us than the women in our lives, and we trust them deeply.
A second
issue is that men and women communicate very differently, with a different
approach, different end goal, for different purposes. When a man tries to discuss his feelings with
a woman, it’s so that she can understand him better, help him find resolutions
to issues, be empathetic. When a woman discusses things with a man…well,
generally we end up with no idea what her intent is. We’re told that it’s simply to vent, but the
impression we get is very different. As
in many facets of male/female interaction, we end up simply confused. I’m not saying there is no purpose, simply
that the majority of men don’t comprehend it because of apparent
inconsistencies and contradictions that the women we discuss the matter with
haven’t deigned to clarify.
And so if
we’re going to talk with someone, it’s more likely to be with another man, and
we’re exceptionally selective about who it will be.
Going
back to the discussions I’ve seen online and in articles over the last year or
so, it’s true that Men tend to hold a lot in.
That isn’t because of Toxic Masculinity teaching us some poisoned
version of Stoicism, or having to “Man Up”.
Ladies, YOU are why. The women in
our lives teach us, from a very early age, that talking about issues is
useless, perhaps even dangerous. At
best, you’ll listen, and then begin voicing sympathy, not empathy, in very
childish tones. You’ll treat it as if
we’ve suddenly become fragile decorations which have inadvertently been pushed
to the edge of the shelf, and are on the verge of tilting off a precipice. At worst…well, it’s difficult to qualify some
of these as worse than others. They’re
all perfectly formulated to turn us off from talking to you about anything of
substance ever again. Perhaps what’s
prioritized by us is not by you, and so you tell us that our feelings are
unimportant and we need to simply move on.
Perhaps you misinterpret our reaching out as a desire for sympathy, when
what we’re looking for is a sounding board to help us find solutions. Perhaps your more emotional-base leads you to
believe that a large reaction is appropriate, when what we actually need is
calm.
Or
perhaps the woman he tries to open up to is simply paying lip service to it
all, but the deeper reality is a desire for a Man to be a strong rock, against
which all of the world’s problems crash and break apart. Standing stout against the onslaught, we’re
supposed to remain unflinching to the core.
The immense aspect of feminine society that holds this view becomes
derisive. The “boys don’t cry” narrative
originates from women, not men. From
men, the narrative is “boys don’t cry until the hard work is done. THEN you’re
welcome to have a breakdown. Just hold it together for a few minutes, then
we’ll all go get drunk and fall apart together.” Contrast that with a
noticeable proportion of women we hear about, who are aghast at their man not
meeting their image of Stoic strength, and so belittle him for having human
reactions. “I don’t want to be with a
weak man” is not an uncommon statement. Granted, we can appreciate the
sentiment behind that, to an extent, but someone having human emotions and
confiding them in their intimate partner is now weak? The narrative of
appreciating vulnerability is thrown out the window.
And so
we’re scarred. Our hearts have been cut
by women we’ve loved saying “You have NO right to feel that way” and “That’s
not important; let’s move on” when we’ve come to you with problems in life, in
the relationship, any issue with which we’re desperately looking for a safe
space to off-gas. Imagine if, from
childhood, half of the population around you told you that your feelings
weren’t legitimate. Picture being told
“this group of people is better at articulating their thoughts than you/is more
in touch with their feelings than you” and that group consistently, regularly
berates you for having feelings which differ from theirs.
Those
scars build-up throughout childhood.
Picture yourself inside your own “heart”, beginning childhood with a
clear view out, seeing light all around.
Over time that heart is cut by the very people who claim to be THE
subject matter experts on feelings. Over
time, those scars cover more and more of your view out, until there are only
slivers of light penetrating between them.
When we want desperately to voice what’s going on in our own heads, to
release some of that pressure, the one closest to us disregards what we say,
tells us we don’t know ourselves, “corrects” our priorities to align more with
hers. We try to look through those
narrow cracks between the scars, only to see shadow beyond, obscuring that
light we need.
So maybe
you feel that you want the man in your life to open up to you. You believe that it will bring the two of you
together (and it can) if he speaks his mind with as few filters as practical. You want to be a soft landing pad for him
when he feels like he’s on the verge of crashing. You tell him that he can open up with you,
and maybe he tries once or twice, but it tapers off, or maybe it gets cut-off
like the self-amputation of a septic limb.
You don’t understand why. You
think back to the narrative you’ve been fed from society, about how men aren’t
in touch with their feelings, can’t put our feelings into words, don’t
communicate as well as women. You
remember studies that said women are better verbalizers because you use more
words than men in a given period (again, as though quantity is inherently
better than quality), and so you try to teach him to be more like you. To speak the way you do. You try to guide him to do things a feminine
way, which in your mind is the better way.
You get
frustrated when he pulls away more.
“Must be that Toxic Masculinity” you think.
Does it
ever, at all, under any circumstances, occur to you that something has happened
to change his view of you not as the light shining in, but simply another
shadow concealing any light that would otherwise give him hope? Your childish tone, intended for soothing
infants, is completely inappropriate for use with him. Your disregarding of his priorities doesn’t
realign them, it disparages his perspective.
Your culturally-ingrained belief that you are more “mature” than he, and
so have a higher EQ than he, with all of the related advantages, blinds you to
his capacity and abilities, which might be more expansive than your own in some
ways that you are incapable of seeing.
Do you
want him to see you as the light shining through the cracks between the scars
in his heart, rather than as an occluding barrier to hope? Do you want to be an effective cushion on
which he can land, rather than the hard surface on which he’ll simply crash,
allowing him respite to collect himself, find new strength, and go back to
being that promontory you so often shelter behind? If you care at all about helping him on HIS
terms, rather than trying to “fix” him, by feminizing him, than the best thing
you can do is STOP!!!
Don’t try
to realign his priorities to match yours; you have a completely different
approach to life than he. A stereotype
that I run into constantly is women caring about making things look
comfortable, but not caring in the least about the strength of the foundation
that comfort is resting on. They
disregard the robustness of underlying infrastructure, so long as the façade
looks ok. If this is you (and it likely
is, whether you admit it to yourself or not), then shut up and listen. Actually listen to what he says. It’s highly likely he is choosing his words
carefully. Each and every word matters. Not simply the words independently, but also
how they interact. You’re accustomed to
talking around things, expressing immense narratives about relationships and
their interplay, and not getting to the underlying point in any manner we’re
able to comprehend. You use significant
volumes of implication, and believe that the meanings and loci are
obvious. Conversely, you assume we’re
doing the same thing and end up disregarding much of what we say in the belief
that we’re speaking with the same form and function as you. Men tend (with exception, in general) to be
more explicit, getting directly to the point.
There might be some background, but it’s because he believes that’s
necessary for comprehension. He might
seem to ramble slightly off-topic, but it’s likely he’s trying to contextualize
his message in the belief that you’ll have a more complete understanding. Listen to EVERY word. Consider how the words fit together. Keep in mind the context of the situation
when interpreting. When you believe that
he’s off-topic, he’s actually addressing a branch of the main topic that he
feels is significant. You saying “stay
on topic” shows him that you don’t understand what he’s trying to say, and
discourages him from opening up in the future.
What’s the use of talking with you if you won’t understand? Instead, ask for clarification. Ask him to explain how the two seemingly
unrelated narratives actually fit together, so that you can expand your
perspective of what he’s trying to communicate.
Further, he will often need you to do the same. When he asks “You said XYZ a few months ago,
and now you’re saying ABC. What’s up?”, he’s trying to understand. Don’t blow up at him for not reading your
mind; take the time to explain the difference, what changed, how the two things
either don’t conflict, or why you changed your mind. Otherwise you simply
confuse him, and your irritation will cause him to pull away.
When he
expresses a feeling, and you get mad at him for feeling it, now he’s consoling
you for being angry about how he feels.
How can you rationally expect him to ever open up to you again?! “How
dare you say that!”. The proverbial “The
audacity of him” meme. Well, that
audacity wasn’t in insulting you, it was in assuming that you were a safe place
to discuss his feelings. His audacity
was in believing you when you said he could open up to you. His presumptuousness was in believing that
you considered him your equal, and would treat him as a legitimate human
being. He rashly assumed you could ever
consider his perspective as valid, and listen to what he had to say with an
open mind.
I keep
falling off the hill into negativity.
Sorry ‘bout that.
Don’t
treat him as a child. That’s
inappropriate, demeaning, demoralizing, and shuts him down. Listen to what he says. If he provides clarification when you repeat
something back to him, that isn’t an attack on you. It’s a desire to be understood. When he vents his feelings, even about you,
take it in stride and work with him to figure out why he has those
feelings. He knows that the feelings
will pass. He doesn’t base his identity
on his feelings. He does, however, know
what he’s feeling and is trying to communicate an issue with you.
Your man
isn’t going to look at the world the same way you do. Nor should he. Men are not women, no matter how much you
(usually subconsciously, but sometimes with full self-awareness) try to force
the situation to be otherwise. Once you accept that, and its legitimacy, you’ll
have a foundation upon which to build substantial comprehension of your man’s
outlook and message.
Recognize
that he is going to prioritize much different aspects of life than you do.
Please trust me when I say that you drive him utterly crazy with much of what
you do. Your desire for seasonal decorations, decorative pillows, and to
rearrange the living room 5 times a year make absolutely no sense to us
whatsoever. All of those changes disrupt
the Peace he desires at home. They
introduce a chaos that causes anxiety.
You see them as “pretty”; he sees them as stressful.
Your
knee-jerk reaction is to say “men are more simple than women”. I strongly, vehemently, passionately disagree
with that wording. “Desiring to avoid
unnecessary complication” is not the same as “simple”. It means we guard our attention and cognitive
capacity carefully. We don’t see a
legitimate reason to waste physical and mental energy putting up Halloween
decorations, only to take them down and put up Thanksgiving decorations that’ll
then be taken down for Christmas, etc, ad infinitum. Why was the couch just fine against that wall
for a few months, but now it needs to be moved? “It was boring; I wanted to
freshen things up”. Again, this makes
little, if any, sense to a man. We want
to find the optimal locations for furniture, and never move any of it ever
again unless something significant happens to necessitate moving things. More than that, it introduces the idea that
you’ll eventually get bored with him, with the life you’ve built up until
now. The masculine idea is “If it isn’t
broken, or if the change doesn’t make things more efficient or effective in
some substantial manner, then leave it alone!!”
He wants to come home to peace, not another change that he doesn’t
comprehend the reason for. That isn’t
him being “simple”, which the speaker often uses as a synonym for
“dullard”. It means he knows his
threshold for stress and wants a significant buffer between reality and that
threshold, so that he can deal with spontaneously encountered stressors more
effectively. Changing the seasonal decorations
introduces chaos and disrupts his peace.
Rewinding back to the title of this
piece: Men will go silent when we
perceive silence as the only means of avoiding being belittled, demeaned,
degraded, disrespected, whatever we’re accustomed to experiencing when we voice
our emotions. We will find ways to
offline, to appear to be answering inquiries when we don’t actually respond
with anything substantial. Whatever the
execution, it’s simply an attempt to maintain peace of mind in an environment
in which we feel unsafe expressing ourselves.
We might occasionally try again,
finding the courage to voice our position on something. Perhaps she does something that we find minorly
disrespectful, and we can see that it wasn’t intentional on her part. We see an opportunity to achieve a stronger
intimacy with deeper interpersonal understanding. That attempt requires a lot of effort,
though, and we go into it fully expecting disappointment. More often than not, our expectations are
fulfilled as she is offended that he felt the way he did. She will refuse to acknowledge any legitimacy
of his subjective experience because it doesn’t align with her perceptions. He
is wrong for not feeling the way she does, and she will ensure he is made aware
of that.
Sometimes our feelings on a subject
might build up until we aren’t able to hold something back. By that time, our frustration
has built to a sufficient level that we express ourselves in a sub-optimal
manner, often exacerbating the tension.
This will inevitably result in our apologizing for hurting her feelings,
and the knowledge that we’ve dropped back into one of the despised stereotypes
of relationships. Now she’s offended
that he had a negative emotion, that he didn’t like something she did, that he
had the audacity to bring up in an aggressive manner.
Yes, he would have been better
served if he had taken a non-aggressive approach. He is fully aware of that.
Is she able to see how things got
to that point? That there is culpability plenty to be spread around?
My
narrative does bounce around some, but it’s all branching from the same
theme: Men and Women are not the
same. We overlap quite a bit, but it’s
those areas outside of the overlap that cause the conflicts.
So I’ll
stop at this point and try to summarize my point: Stop treating your man as if he’s a
woman. He isn’t your female
friends. He isn’t going to view the
world the way they do. He doesn’t have
the same relationship with emotions that you do. He doesn’t choose the same words, or approach
communication from the same basis as you.
That said, the two of you CAN still construct some modicum of effective
communication if you both accept that there are differences. Since this is written from the male perspective,
I’m emphasizing those areas we want women to improve. That doesn’t discount that we can do the
same. This is simply Andro-centric (just
as the mental health industry is gyno-centric and treats men like broken
women).
LISTEN to
what he says. Not every other word, not
to the first sentence and then stop, not in the belief that he’s speaking the
same way you do and so you have to infer his point. He is MAKING his point, explicitly and
directly. Stop looking for hidden
meanings.
If he
expresses his emotions to you, he has REASONS for feeling the way he does. He will TELL you those reasons,
directly. You won’t like it. Tough shit.
If you want the relationship to have a solid foundation for longevity,
you had better accept what he says as having some truth, if only
subjectively. If you really can’t handle
what he says, then leave him in peace and find someone else who will let you be
dismissive.
Keep in mind that while you remember everything he does, putting it on a scoreboard, using it as ammunition in a magazine that you load when it’s time for an argument 7 years after the fact, HE remembers what you do also. The difference is that 90% of what you do is simply stored in a file that is used to establish a pattern of behavior. If that pattern is of disrespect, he will withdraw from you. If he brings anything up, it’s with the desire to understand, to give you benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to explain so that he doesn’t feel disrespected. If you can’t provide that, then he’s going to disengage. Slowly, over time, it will all build up until he is physically present, but no longer actively engaged in the relationship. Given enough disrespect, having our feelings dismissed enough times, we will find a way out, and you won’t comprehend what happened. You’ll blame him. He does have some responsibility for the failure of the relationship, to be sure, but you had better look in the mirror and admit your own culpability or you’ll see this same outcome repeated the rest of your life.
And it’ll
always be someone else’s fault, won’t it?
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